Reality....

I have had a dream for many years now that I would be able to work in the movie/television entertainment field, I still have this dream and think about it constantly....is this dream ever actually going to even be a reality or do I need to come back to "Reality" and stop day dreaming about it....Many wise men have stated that if there is something that you think about day in and day out, several times per day than that is what you are meant to do....but it takes sacrifice to make this a possibility, how much sacrifice is acceptable, I have a wife and 2 kids, with very very little income...I dont really want to spend alot of time away from my family, but what if I did for just a couple years and then I was able to make my dream a reality and could support my family for the rest of our lives, that would be amazing...but what if I spent all of that time away and I fail and then not only have I failed but I missed much of my children's young lives.... Cant Decide!!!!!!

Still living in Fear....

My son (second child) was born 9 days ago... Before my daughter was born in 2012 I posted about my fears of becoming a Father, well all of those fears are still inside me, not a single one of them has gone, in fact they have been joined by many new fears....Each week I hear/read stories about a parent(s) that have ended up murdering their child(ren) in some way...This sickens me to my very core, I cant imagine how one could do such a thing, I look at my precious babies and I am just baffled at how someone could do such terrible things to such precious innocent little ones....I think and ponder on it for long amounts of time and I just cannot wrap my head around it.....but this brings new fears upon me, what if every single parent is capable of doing these things, where these parents born with something different inside of them that makes them think that it is ok to murder your child...are they really all mentally unstable, like they all seem to claim to be...were they once normal loving parents and one day something inside their brain just snapped and they committed these horrible acts, do they ever feel remorse for doing so....Am I capable of doing these horrid things, I would like to think that I never could but now it is a constant fear that lives inside of me....I pray to God that if there ever came a time that I was going to hurt one of my babies that He would strike me dead before I ever had the opportunity...I feel guilty and like a horrible parent that these thoughts have ever crossed my mind..but thanks to today's society and the horrible people in it, I have indeed had these fears placed inside of me (even tho it was against my will).... I wish I could just get rid of these fears... I LOVE MY FAMILY!!!!!

Darkness....

What is this darkness, does it have a name, is it your name?? what is it that is inside of us that cause us to feel that when we are wronged than we need to seek revenge... when someone does something that we do not agree with or that we believe wrongs us, why is it that we automatically think about getting revenge....and why is it that some people can control this urge for vengeance and some cannot....to some there is a darkness that takes engulfs us and takes over forcing us to hurt/gain revenge on those that we feel wronged us...but what is this darkness, is it hatred, is it determination, is it jealousy, etc... is it possible it is a bit of all of them....I have witnessed some truly vengeful actions that have been taken by those that believe they have been wronged...and it seems that if these things come to as I believe they will that I am soon going to witness a lot more of people seeking vengeance...I pray that I am wrong but I fear that I am not....this situation when it happens could be one of the greatest things that I have ever witnessed or it could end up being one of the worst things that I have ever seen....and the thing is that it all depends on peoples reactions....are they going to choose to take the high road and act like adults or are they going to respond in a defensive manor and therefore seeking vengeance against those that they believe have wronged them.....So what is this darkness...does this darkness have a name....is it your name??

Failing.....

I suffer from ADD, throughout most of my life this has not bothered me, I have just accepted it and went on being the way I am....Now that I am a husband and father I can't stop thinking that I am failing as a provider for my family....because of this I am not able to sit behind a desk or on a computer all day, therefore extremely limiting my ability to get a higher paying job, so that I could provide better for my family...I recently  just started thinking that maybe I could take some meds to defer my ADD, but then I realized that you need a doctor's order for those meds and I have no insurance and can;t afford to see a doctor....I don;t know what to do but I am certainly tired of feeling like I am failing my family.

Respect....

I used to believe that there was an unwritten rule that you are to show family members some respect...I have recently discovered that I must be the only one (at least in my family) to believe this. All the drama and disrespect going on, I just don't get it.... The people that have known me for a long time have known that I have been wanting to have a kid for years now, but was always afraid of bringing a child into this cruel world...Well my first kid is do anytime now and I am more afraid than ever for her to grow up in a family (outside of my wife and I) that are cruel, dishonest and drama filled. I find it weird (but glad that its true) that I seem to receive more respect from my in-laws than I do from my own flesh and blood. I am very tempted to move away in order to keep my daughter safe, what does that say?? Here's to finding Respect!!

Greed....

2 years ago a mentor of mine from when I was growing up...one of the best men that I have ever known was murdered in cold blood by the hands of his pastor and his wife. For over 10 years before this happened my mentor's wife had been having an affair with their pastor....on top of their affair they were also skimming money from the church and putting it away and saving it with the intention of running away together. Well my mentor eventually found out the truth about the affair and the stealing from the church and when he threatened to tell the church congregation of his findings his wife found out that he knew nd got with the pastor and they devised a plan that were going to kill her husband (my mentor) and cash in his life insurance policy and they were going to run away together. Well the day finally came that their level of greediness had finally reached the top and they decided it was time to execute the plan, so one night while my mentor was working late at his office the pastor who got a key from the wife, snuck into his office and shot my mentor in the back of his head, killing him in cold blood, and then the pastor, the one who murdered my mentor then gave the eulogy at his funeral...and after that he fled to another state to try and hide. Police eventually tracked him down and he was sentenced to life in prison. Today my mentor's widow will get her sentencing but because of the deal she made to give up the pastor she can only receive a maximum of 10 years in prison.

When I first heard about all of this happening, I had an extremely difficult time trying to wrap my head around  it. These were people that I knew, that I grew up with them being the ones that were teaching me, I could not (and still don't) understand how those 2 people got to be so greedy that they would murder such a great and honest man, one that they both supposedly loved, just so they could take his money and run away to be with eachother. This event had a weird affect on my mind. I couldnt shake it, it stayed with me haunting me for almost a year, there were days when my mind was so wrapped up in it, trying to understand it and seeing images in my head of how I believed it all happened that it started effecting my work, it would keep me up at night and it eventually sent me into a dark and depressive state of mind. To this day I still cannot fathom of how this could have happened but after the sentencing of her today maybe that will help me to come to peace with it. I cant even begin to believe how hard this has been on their family. I pray for them everyday, that they will find the strength and courage to overcome this terrible tragedy.

Why....

What am I suppose to tell my child when begins to ask me why.....Why are there grown ups inappropriately touching other children...Why are there kids shooting up schools and killing there classmates...Why are kids having kids....Why are other countries attacking us....Why are kids doing drugs....Why are parents killing their own children...Why are people constantly stealing from others....Why are all of these bad people able to keep getting off and not paying for their criminal activity.....Why are people blowing up other people and buildings....Why are people being murdered just because of their beliefs....Why Cops are even turning into bad guys and doing these types of things.....Why??  How am I suppose to answer these questions when the answers evade me....When I as a parent am not even to comprehend the horrible evil tendencies of this world....how am I ever going to be able to explain to a child why Mom and Dad are so overprotective....how can I explain why people are acting in such evil manners....I wish I could explain it ..Its just the world is crazy.....There aint no pretty way to paint it.....how can I explain why the fuck Love cant seem to defeat Hate....

Don't Judge so Quick.....

We as a society tend to judge people when we first see them....generally without ever even saying a word to them....we judge them on many different things....if they dont look or act a certain way we tend to write them off...we need to cut this crap out...you have no idea what someone that you just met is currently going through or all the shit they may have gone through within their entire lives...they could have gone through so much that you cant even begin to comprehend it....so before you just write them off because they dont seem to have the right style or they dont seem to have the same kind of attitude as you or they just act a bit differently....dont be so quick to judge them....what makes you better than them anyway....many times people go through so much bad shit that it actually makes them better and strong people...so they may even be better people than you....point is you have no idea about their past or even what kind of a person they are...they may be the best person you ever meet...dont be so quick to judge!

A New Fear.....

Even tho I am 28 years old I have always felt way younger because with the exception of work I didnt really have any other responsibilities...I was a bachelor for years....I came and went whenever without ever telling anyone...I did whatever I wanted...I drank constantly...pretty much acted like a teenager and this was the life I was accustomed too that I lived for the past 10 years....in August 2011 I met the most wonderful woman that I had ever met...she is so strong....intelligent...funny....caring and on top of that she loves me....so I married her :-)
we got married on 3-3-2012...So I feel myself starting to change, starting the "growing up" process...and now we are expecting a baby in September...an extremely scary but yet humbling thing...this is the first child for us both...so at least we are nervous/scared together....If any of you ever read my old blog than you know that I have always been afraid to bring a child into this world because of all the hatred that is in the world today....I just hope that I can keep my child safe and to where my child does not know a world full of hatred, torture, malice, killing, jealousy, greed, etc...So now starts the time for me to start fearing for the safety and correct upbringing of my child...that I am going to be good enough and strong enough to be able to raise my child and yet keep shielded from all of the evil in this world....this is a feeling that will never go away....I am always going to be curious and wondering if I am doing the best job that I can....and this to me is the scariest thing that I have yet to face....here's to HOPE!!

Too Much....

If you are wanting to be in a serious relationship and the other person is doing something that you do not approve of what should you do.....do you stay with the person and continue to fight through and try to get through to them to stop...do you give them an ultimatum like if you can stop that for one month than we can be together....what if they cant stop...how long to you stay with them trying to help them....when is it too much....A person cannot be help until they are ready and willing to be helped....you cannot sacrifice who you are or what you believe in....you certainly cant take the risk of this person doing bad things around your family....in my opinion if the person doesnt care enough about you to stop when you ask than it will never work out anyway....that just proves that you are more committed to the relationship than they are....one person cant make a relationship work...it has to be teamwork...both people have to be on the same page and both have to give and receive for it to work....if they are constantly lying or there is no trust than it is never going to work....trust and communication are the key...dont spend your whole life trying to get them to stop what they are doing or to change who they are....you are wasting your time because it wont work and plus it takes away that much time that you could of already found the right one for you that you dont have to try and get them to stop a bad habit or try to get them to change....keep your head up and stay strong.

Chase It.........

If you want happiness than you must carve it yourself....Life is a bitch and will not just give you happiness...if you want happiness than you must carve out the happiness for yourself....if you want to have happy friends than you must find those that are happy and make them a part of your life and leave those unhappy ones behind...if you want to be happy in a career than you must figure out what makes you happy and then chase it with everything you've got until it happens....if you want to have a happy love life than you get out there and you find that one that is going to help you to be happy in all areas of your life....so happiness is possible for everyone but only if you get of your ass and carve happiness out of life for yourself because it wont just do it for you.

Hero.......

Today we are celebrating the birthday of the greatest man that I have ever met.... a man that is selfless, that is constantly putting those that he loves before himself.....that would stop at nothing to take care of those he loves....the man that I am both lucky and proud to be able to call my Dad....if at any point I could become half the man that he is well I think that would be an amazing thing....I love you Dad....Happy Birthday!!

Angel......

I spent the last 2 years of my life in a downward spiral of depression because of an incident that had happened....that is a long time to be going through depression and my thoughts were starting to get the best of me and I was beginning to become overwhelmed by the darkness of the depression....well 4 months ago it seems that God decided that I hate been in that state of mind for long enough and he decided to send me an angel to wipe the tears from my eyes....and even now just 4 months later as I am starting to go through all of the same things that happened to me 2 years ago....I am not afraid to face them now because I know that my angel is by my side and for this I am so great full that I cant even come up with the words to describe it....thank you Lord for sending me my angel to comfort me and to keep the darkness of depression from being able to overwhelm me..........I LOVE YOU!!!

Happiness....

These last 3 months have been amazing for me.... I met a woman that has managed to bring me out of my funk and has made me truely happy.....I am enjoying getting to know her and falling in love with her....I am even starting to think about our future together.....now for anyone that knows me they know that I love to write...that I am obsessed with movies...that just random things everyday that I think of immediately make my mind think of a story line for turning it into a movie.....this past year I have been writing alot, have many many ideas but in the last 3 months I havent written anything at all....my mind has been pre-occupied with my new love interest....but I may someone today that I talked to about it and they encouraged me to try and get back into it and to make it happen....so I am trying to get my mind back to being focused on my writing so that I can make my dreams a reality...wish me luck

Justice.....

Trying to figure out if true justice does indeed exist....but I am not sure that it does because true justice is different in each person's eye....what one person may believe is justice may not even be close to being justice in another's eye.....a year and a half ago one of my mentors from when I was young was murdered in cold blood by a person that was in a position that was also suppose to be my mentor, in a position were he was suppose to receive respect...yet this man deserved none of that.....he took the life of one of the best men I have ever known....it took a year and a half for this man to finally plead guilty to this murder and receiving life in prison with possibility of parole in 25 years.....where as I should be ecstatic hearing this news my mind cant seem to think of the question of is it actually true justice.....does this sentence fit the crime that was committed....as I said before....figuring out if it is indeed true justice is not actually possible because it depends on who you ask....if you ask me....I say it is not enough....if someone kills another in cold blood and they were not defending someone else while doing so than I believe that that person should receive the death penalty....some believe that is too harsh of a punishment.....some believe that even life in prison is too harsh of a punishment for this crime......what do you believe??

10 years.....

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary for one of the most devestating and tragic events in American history....on Tuesday September 11, 2001....A group of cowards (terrorists) decided to hi-jack 4 planes on this day and they forced the pilots (held them at gunpoint), forced 2 of them to fly into the 2 World Trade Center building in New York City, instantly killing hundreds but then after the buildings collapsed killing thousands more....another one forced them to crash into the Pentagon, again killing many and lastly the 4th one crashing into a field killing some. These terrorists were cowards because they did not chose to fight in an honorable way, no they chose to go after and killing thousands of innocent people...people that did not do anything to them, people that were just trying to do their jobs and go about their business. These terrorists decided to take the lives of these innocent people, to take them away from their family and loved ones.....there is no justice or honor in what they did. This world is vastly becoming overwhelmed by hate. I have asked before, why cant LOVE seem to defeat hate and the answer is actually very clear...its not that its not possible for it to, but because there isnt enough people that are trying to heal the world with Love....The LOVERS are far too outnumbered by the haters and until that changes there is going to be no stopping them and nothing but tremendous casualties from here on out...WAKE UP AMERICA!!!!!

Football........

I am stoked that football is upon us again...that they made it through the lockout and we didnt lose any games...lets play some football baby.

Disgusted.....

So the politicians and other supposed "important" people have decided that at the special event marking the 10 year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks...that the only people that there is room for at this anniversary get together are people that hold some sort of superior office, such as politicians and what not.....that the policemen, the firemen, the EMT's, the families of the victims....none of these people are allowed to go because there is supposedly no room. Am I the only one that is disgusted by this?? This is complete bullshit, these politicians did not do jack shit to help the victims of that day...the heroes are the officers, firefighters, EMT's and all of the civilians that risked their lives trying to save as many other's lives as they could and yet these very people, the true heroes of that horrendous day are the very ones that are getting set aside and not getting any recognition for what they did....this country is really starting to make me sick....and to all of you politicians that had something to do with this decision, guess what....KARMA'S A BITCH....and its gonna come for you hardcore, I am glad that I wont be near any of you when it hits.

Starting Over.....

Someone hacked all of my old accounts, so I am starting all over with everything now........So please join me on this journey and find out about this thing called Karma and how it ties into Life.....lets find out if I have good or bad Karma.....