Reality....

I have had a dream for many years now that I would be able to work in the movie/television entertainment field, I still have this dream and think about it constantly....is this dream ever actually going to even be a reality or do I need to come back to "Reality" and stop day dreaming about it....Many wise men have stated that if there is something that you think about day in and day out, several times per day than that is what you are meant to do....but it takes sacrifice to make this a possibility, how much sacrifice is acceptable, I have a wife and 2 kids, with very very little income...I dont really want to spend alot of time away from my family, but what if I did for just a couple years and then I was able to make my dream a reality and could support my family for the rest of our lives, that would be amazing...but what if I spent all of that time away and I fail and then not only have I failed but I missed much of my children's young lives.... Cant Decide!!!!!!

Still living in Fear....

My son (second child) was born 9 days ago... Before my daughter was born in 2012 I posted about my fears of becoming a Father, well all of those fears are still inside me, not a single one of them has gone, in fact they have been joined by many new fears....Each week I hear/read stories about a parent(s) that have ended up murdering their child(ren) in some way...This sickens me to my very core, I cant imagine how one could do such a thing, I look at my precious babies and I am just baffled at how someone could do such terrible things to such precious innocent little ones....I think and ponder on it for long amounts of time and I just cannot wrap my head around it.....but this brings new fears upon me, what if every single parent is capable of doing these things, where these parents born with something different inside of them that makes them think that it is ok to murder your child...are they really all mentally unstable, like they all seem to claim to be...were they once normal loving parents and one day something inside their brain just snapped and they committed these horrible acts, do they ever feel remorse for doing so....Am I capable of doing these horrid things, I would like to think that I never could but now it is a constant fear that lives inside of me....I pray to God that if there ever came a time that I was going to hurt one of my babies that He would strike me dead before I ever had the opportunity...I feel guilty and like a horrible parent that these thoughts have ever crossed my mind..but thanks to today's society and the horrible people in it, I have indeed had these fears placed inside of me (even tho it was against my will).... I wish I could just get rid of these fears... I LOVE MY FAMILY!!!!!

Darkness....

What is this darkness, does it have a name, is it your name?? what is it that is inside of us that cause us to feel that when we are wronged than we need to seek revenge... when someone does something that we do not agree with or that we believe wrongs us, why is it that we automatically think about getting revenge....and why is it that some people can control this urge for vengeance and some cannot....to some there is a darkness that takes engulfs us and takes over forcing us to hurt/gain revenge on those that we feel wronged us...but what is this darkness, is it hatred, is it determination, is it jealousy, etc... is it possible it is a bit of all of them....I have witnessed some truly vengeful actions that have been taken by those that believe they have been wronged...and it seems that if these things come to as I believe they will that I am soon going to witness a lot more of people seeking vengeance...I pray that I am wrong but I fear that I am not....this situation when it happens could be one of the greatest things that I have ever witnessed or it could end up being one of the worst things that I have ever seen....and the thing is that it all depends on peoples reactions....are they going to choose to take the high road and act like adults or are they going to respond in a defensive manor and therefore seeking vengeance against those that they believe have wronged them.....So what is this darkness...does this darkness have a name....is it your name??

Failing.....

I suffer from ADD, throughout most of my life this has not bothered me, I have just accepted it and went on being the way I am....Now that I am a husband and father I can't stop thinking that I am failing as a provider for my family....because of this I am not able to sit behind a desk or on a computer all day, therefore extremely limiting my ability to get a higher paying job, so that I could provide better for my family...I recently  just started thinking that maybe I could take some meds to defer my ADD, but then I realized that you need a doctor's order for those meds and I have no insurance and can;t afford to see a doctor....I don;t know what to do but I am certainly tired of feeling like I am failing my family.

Respect....

I used to believe that there was an unwritten rule that you are to show family members some respect...I have recently discovered that I must be the only one (at least in my family) to believe this. All the drama and disrespect going on, I just don't get it.... The people that have known me for a long time have known that I have been wanting to have a kid for years now, but was always afraid of bringing a child into this cruel world...Well my first kid is do anytime now and I am more afraid than ever for her to grow up in a family (outside of my wife and I) that are cruel, dishonest and drama filled. I find it weird (but glad that its true) that I seem to receive more respect from my in-laws than I do from my own flesh and blood. I am very tempted to move away in order to keep my daughter safe, what does that say?? Here's to finding Respect!!

Greed....

2 years ago a mentor of mine from when I was growing up...one of the best men that I have ever known was murdered in cold blood by the hands of his pastor and his wife. For over 10 years before this happened my mentor's wife had been having an affair with their pastor....on top of their affair they were also skimming money from the church and putting it away and saving it with the intention of running away together. Well my mentor eventually found out the truth about the affair and the stealing from the church and when he threatened to tell the church congregation of his findings his wife found out that he knew nd got with the pastor and they devised a plan that were going to kill her husband (my mentor) and cash in his life insurance policy and they were going to run away together. Well the day finally came that their level of greediness had finally reached the top and they decided it was time to execute the plan, so one night while my mentor was working late at his office the pastor who got a key from the wife, snuck into his office and shot my mentor in the back of his head, killing him in cold blood, and then the pastor, the one who murdered my mentor then gave the eulogy at his funeral...and after that he fled to another state to try and hide. Police eventually tracked him down and he was sentenced to life in prison. Today my mentor's widow will get her sentencing but because of the deal she made to give up the pastor she can only receive a maximum of 10 years in prison.

When I first heard about all of this happening, I had an extremely difficult time trying to wrap my head around  it. These were people that I knew, that I grew up with them being the ones that were teaching me, I could not (and still don't) understand how those 2 people got to be so greedy that they would murder such a great and honest man, one that they both supposedly loved, just so they could take his money and run away to be with eachother. This event had a weird affect on my mind. I couldnt shake it, it stayed with me haunting me for almost a year, there were days when my mind was so wrapped up in it, trying to understand it and seeing images in my head of how I believed it all happened that it started effecting my work, it would keep me up at night and it eventually sent me into a dark and depressive state of mind. To this day I still cannot fathom of how this could have happened but after the sentencing of her today maybe that will help me to come to peace with it. I cant even begin to believe how hard this has been on their family. I pray for them everyday, that they will find the strength and courage to overcome this terrible tragedy.

Why....

What am I suppose to tell my child when begins to ask me why.....Why are there grown ups inappropriately touching other children...Why are there kids shooting up schools and killing there classmates...Why are kids having kids....Why are other countries attacking us....Why are kids doing drugs....Why are parents killing their own children...Why are people constantly stealing from others....Why are all of these bad people able to keep getting off and not paying for their criminal activity.....Why are people blowing up other people and buildings....Why are people being murdered just because of their beliefs....Why Cops are even turning into bad guys and doing these types of things.....Why??  How am I suppose to answer these questions when the answers evade me....When I as a parent am not even to comprehend the horrible evil tendencies of this world....how am I ever going to be able to explain to a child why Mom and Dad are so overprotective....how can I explain why people are acting in such evil manners....I wish I could explain it ..Its just the world is crazy.....There aint no pretty way to paint it.....how can I explain why the fuck Love cant seem to defeat Hate....