Darkness....

What is this darkness, does it have a name, is it your name?? what is it that is inside of us that cause us to feel that when we are wronged than we need to seek revenge... when someone does something that we do not agree with or that we believe wrongs us, why is it that we automatically think about getting revenge....and why is it that some people can control this urge for vengeance and some cannot....to some there is a darkness that takes engulfs us and takes over forcing us to hurt/gain revenge on those that we feel wronged us...but what is this darkness, is it hatred, is it determination, is it jealousy, etc... is it possible it is a bit of all of them....I have witnessed some truly vengeful actions that have been taken by those that believe they have been wronged...and it seems that if these things come to as I believe they will that I am soon going to witness a lot more of people seeking vengeance...I pray that I am wrong but I fear that I am not....this situation when it happens could be one of the greatest things that I have ever witnessed or it could end up being one of the worst things that I have ever seen....and the thing is that it all depends on peoples reactions....are they going to choose to take the high road and act like adults or are they going to respond in a defensive manor and therefore seeking vengeance against those that they believe have wronged them.....So what is this darkness...does this darkness have a name....is it your name??

Failing.....

I suffer from ADD, throughout most of my life this has not bothered me, I have just accepted it and went on being the way I am....Now that I am a husband and father I can't stop thinking that I am failing as a provider for my family....because of this I am not able to sit behind a desk or on a computer all day, therefore extremely limiting my ability to get a higher paying job, so that I could provide better for my family...I recently  just started thinking that maybe I could take some meds to defer my ADD, but then I realized that you need a doctor's order for those meds and I have no insurance and can;t afford to see a doctor....I don;t know what to do but I am certainly tired of feeling like I am failing my family.

Respect....

I used to believe that there was an unwritten rule that you are to show family members some respect...I have recently discovered that I must be the only one (at least in my family) to believe this. All the drama and disrespect going on, I just don't get it.... The people that have known me for a long time have known that I have been wanting to have a kid for years now, but was always afraid of bringing a child into this cruel world...Well my first kid is do anytime now and I am more afraid than ever for her to grow up in a family (outside of my wife and I) that are cruel, dishonest and drama filled. I find it weird (but glad that its true) that I seem to receive more respect from my in-laws than I do from my own flesh and blood. I am very tempted to move away in order to keep my daughter safe, what does that say?? Here's to finding Respect!!

Greed....

2 years ago a mentor of mine from when I was growing up...one of the best men that I have ever known was murdered in cold blood by the hands of his pastor and his wife. For over 10 years before this happened my mentor's wife had been having an affair with their pastor....on top of their affair they were also skimming money from the church and putting it away and saving it with the intention of running away together. Well my mentor eventually found out the truth about the affair and the stealing from the church and when he threatened to tell the church congregation of his findings his wife found out that he knew nd got with the pastor and they devised a plan that were going to kill her husband (my mentor) and cash in his life insurance policy and they were going to run away together. Well the day finally came that their level of greediness had finally reached the top and they decided it was time to execute the plan, so one night while my mentor was working late at his office the pastor who got a key from the wife, snuck into his office and shot my mentor in the back of his head, killing him in cold blood, and then the pastor, the one who murdered my mentor then gave the eulogy at his funeral...and after that he fled to another state to try and hide. Police eventually tracked him down and he was sentenced to life in prison. Today my mentor's widow will get her sentencing but because of the deal she made to give up the pastor she can only receive a maximum of 10 years in prison.

When I first heard about all of this happening, I had an extremely difficult time trying to wrap my head around  it. These were people that I knew, that I grew up with them being the ones that were teaching me, I could not (and still don't) understand how those 2 people got to be so greedy that they would murder such a great and honest man, one that they both supposedly loved, just so they could take his money and run away to be with eachother. This event had a weird affect on my mind. I couldnt shake it, it stayed with me haunting me for almost a year, there were days when my mind was so wrapped up in it, trying to understand it and seeing images in my head of how I believed it all happened that it started effecting my work, it would keep me up at night and it eventually sent me into a dark and depressive state of mind. To this day I still cannot fathom of how this could have happened but after the sentencing of her today maybe that will help me to come to peace with it. I cant even begin to believe how hard this has been on their family. I pray for them everyday, that they will find the strength and courage to overcome this terrible tragedy.

Why....

What am I suppose to tell my child when begins to ask me why.....Why are there grown ups inappropriately touching other children...Why are there kids shooting up schools and killing there classmates...Why are kids having kids....Why are other countries attacking us....Why are kids doing drugs....Why are parents killing their own children...Why are people constantly stealing from others....Why are all of these bad people able to keep getting off and not paying for their criminal activity.....Why are people blowing up other people and buildings....Why are people being murdered just because of their beliefs....Why Cops are even turning into bad guys and doing these types of things.....Why??  How am I suppose to answer these questions when the answers evade me....When I as a parent am not even to comprehend the horrible evil tendencies of this world....how am I ever going to be able to explain to a child why Mom and Dad are so overprotective....how can I explain why people are acting in such evil manners....I wish I could explain it ..Its just the world is crazy.....There aint no pretty way to paint it.....how can I explain why the fuck Love cant seem to defeat Hate....

Don't Judge so Quick.....

We as a society tend to judge people when we first see them....generally without ever even saying a word to them....we judge them on many different things....if they dont look or act a certain way we tend to write them off...we need to cut this crap out...you have no idea what someone that you just met is currently going through or all the shit they may have gone through within their entire lives...they could have gone through so much that you cant even begin to comprehend it....so before you just write them off because they dont seem to have the right style or they dont seem to have the same kind of attitude as you or they just act a bit differently....dont be so quick to judge them....what makes you better than them anyway....many times people go through so much bad shit that it actually makes them better and strong people...so they may even be better people than you....point is you have no idea about their past or even what kind of a person they are...they may be the best person you ever meet...dont be so quick to judge!

A New Fear.....

Even tho I am 28 years old I have always felt way younger because with the exception of work I didnt really have any other responsibilities...I was a bachelor for years....I came and went whenever without ever telling anyone...I did whatever I wanted...I drank constantly...pretty much acted like a teenager and this was the life I was accustomed too that I lived for the past 10 years....in August 2011 I met the most wonderful woman that I had ever met...she is so strong....intelligent...funny....caring and on top of that she loves me....so I married her :-)
we got married on 3-3-2012...So I feel myself starting to change, starting the "growing up" process...and now we are expecting a baby in September...an extremely scary but yet humbling thing...this is the first child for us both...so at least we are nervous/scared together....If any of you ever read my old blog than you know that I have always been afraid to bring a child into this world because of all the hatred that is in the world today....I just hope that I can keep my child safe and to where my child does not know a world full of hatred, torture, malice, killing, jealousy, greed, etc...So now starts the time for me to start fearing for the safety and correct upbringing of my child...that I am going to be good enough and strong enough to be able to raise my child and yet keep shielded from all of the evil in this world....this is a feeling that will never go away....I am always going to be curious and wondering if I am doing the best job that I can....and this to me is the scariest thing that I have yet to face....here's to HOPE!!

Too Much....

If you are wanting to be in a serious relationship and the other person is doing something that you do not approve of what should you do.....do you stay with the person and continue to fight through and try to get through to them to stop...do you give them an ultimatum like if you can stop that for one month than we can be together....what if they cant stop...how long to you stay with them trying to help them....when is it too much....A person cannot be help until they are ready and willing to be helped....you cannot sacrifice who you are or what you believe in....you certainly cant take the risk of this person doing bad things around your family....in my opinion if the person doesnt care enough about you to stop when you ask than it will never work out anyway....that just proves that you are more committed to the relationship than they are....one person cant make a relationship work...it has to be teamwork...both people have to be on the same page and both have to give and receive for it to work....if they are constantly lying or there is no trust than it is never going to work....trust and communication are the key...dont spend your whole life trying to get them to stop what they are doing or to change who they are....you are wasting your time because it wont work and plus it takes away that much time that you could of already found the right one for you that you dont have to try and get them to stop a bad habit or try to get them to change....keep your head up and stay strong.